The Death of Engagement
By Mike Pompeo, U.S. Secretary of State and Noted Don McLean Fan
Very, very recently…
I can still remember
How “engagement” used to give me pause.
But I knew if I had my way,
That I could make the Party pay,
If only we’d enforce our country’s laws.
Come July, I’d start to quiver
With every speech I’d deliver.
Escalation on the doorstep;
We’ve got to take the next step.
I read a prayer from my Bible
When I’d first heard about the two Michaels.
And I knew freedom was on my side
The day engagement…died.
So bye, bye U.S.-China relations.
Now we’re way, way past reconciliation.
The FBI’s out arresting PRC agents,
Singing, “This’ll be the death of engagement.
“This’ll be the death of engagement…”
Did you even read yester-day’s Sinocism?
Who could oppose such a sensible schism?
Just listen to Matt Pottinger’s speech.
Do you believe in capitalist peace?
Will the Uighurs be saved by…Credit Suisse?
(And, can you teach me how to make money as a mouthpiece?)
Well, I know that you’re in love with them,
’Cause you supported WTO accession.
We both ramped up our trade;
Can’t you see we were just giving them aid!
I was a lonely Congressman— not a millionaire,
With a dog and a Winnie the Pooh teddy bear.
But I knew the Lord had heard my prayer,
The day engagement died.
I started singing,
Bye, bye U.S.-China relations.
Now we’re way, way past reconciliation.
The FBI’s out arresting PRC agents,
Singing, “This’ll be the death of engagement.
“This’ll be the death of engagement…”
Now for four years we’ve been in charge;
Life comes at you fast when you’re livin’ large.
But that’s not always how it used to be.
I miss the spies from the Old Cold War —
The Vladimirs, the Sergeys, and the Igors —
I could at least tell they weren’t from “Singapore.”
And when China breached Lockheed Martin’s drives,
They stole the plans for the F-35.
But I guess they got what they paid.
It can’t even fly in the rain!
And while I read The Hundred Year Marathon,
Beijing cozied up to Teheran,
And kept de-valuing the yuan
The day engagement died.
We were singing,
Bye, bye U.S.-China relations.
Now we’re way, way past reconciliation.
The FBI’s out arresting PRC agents,
Singing, “This’ll be the death of engagement.
“This’ll be the death of engagement…”
Genius leakage, uncertain allegiance;
China’s making off with American secrets.
Twenty years now and rising fa-a-a-a-st —
Only God knows what they’ve amassed!
The scale of tech theft is just so vast.
All our gadgets are in labs run by CAS.
Then the pandemic began to loom.
(Don’t you people know the risks of Zoom?)
We all worked on a cure.
Oh, but it gave way to furor!
’Cause they closed our consulate in Chengdu;
But I’ll keep calling it the “Wuhan Flu.”
You can tell Tedros: Screw the WHO,
After engagement dies.
We started singing,
Bye, bye U.S.-China relations.
Now we’re way, way past reconciliation.
The FBI’s out arresting PRC agents,
Singing, “This’ll be the death of engagement.
“This’ll be the death of engagement…”
Oh, and here we all are, stuck at home,
Watching NBA reruns all alone.
When, oh when, will quarantine end?
So come on, Lebron, be nimble, Lebron go long!
Lebron James doesn’t support Hong Kong.
’Cause wealth is a King’s only friend.
Oh, and as I watched him on the court,
I thought, which dissidents can we support?
The opposition’s not exactly strong...
But we’ll settle for the Falun Gong!
And as the flames climbed high before the attaché,
Burning the Houston consulate’s dossiers,
I started laughing with Christopher Wray,
The day engagement died.
We were singing,
Bye, bye U.S.-China relations.
Now we’re way, way past reconciliation.
The FBI’s out arresting PRC agents,
Singing, “This’ll be the death of engagement.
“This’ll be the death of engagement…”
I met a General of great rapport,
And I asked him how to win this “Stealth War.”
But it became clear he didn’t know.
I went down to see Shen Yun —
But I was, like, the only one.
My aide said the Kennedy Center is clo-o-osed.
And in the streets, a protestor screamed,
“Shouldn’t you focus on this deadly disease?”
I was quick to correct him,
“We didn’t let the Chinese in.”
And the three men I admire most:
Dons Senior, Junior, and Pete Navarro,
They called me in and proposed a toast
The day engagement died.
And we were singing,
Bye, bye U.S.-China relations.
Now we’re way, way past reconciliation.
The FBI’s out arresting PRC agents,
Singing, “This’ll be the death of engagement.
“This’ll be the death of engagement…”
